finals week

So I just finished up my geography final, and the all nighter was most definetely worth it!!!!!

focus

My focus for the next couple of weeks up until finals is "focus". I realize that I am only as strong as my weekest attribute as a dancer. For some reason during class at times I have a hard time staying focused. Yet, from now on that is changing. I'm doing everything I need to do to get in the zone during class and auditions and stay focused and in the zone no matter what. I'm separating myself from my friends and anything/anyone that would distract me. I need to always know the details of what's going on and do everything perfect the vey first time. "Whether or not its humanly possible, i can do it in Jesus".

relationships vs. my life

So for some reason I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and I'm not quite sure of how I feel about them. What I do know is that I don't want to be in one, and I feel like its a combination of things that could be either good or bad. Part of me is super focused on school, and being a professional dancer. This is a goal I've had since I was 2 years old, and I don't think I boyfriend/significant other or whatever you wanna call it would help me in any way shape or form in achieving that goal.
The other part of me is just scared of boys. It isn't that I have a 5th grade mentality about boys and am afraid talk to them. i feel like its much deeper than that. I have no idea what a good relationship is supposed to be like. For one, I never saw my mother in one. Of course neither my or my brother's father worked out. I was born out of wedlock and my Dad was having an affair with my Mom, and my brother's Dad just REALLY wasn't right for her. I mean, they're both great Dads to both of us, but relationship wise-THEY SUCKED. Not to mention the rest of the failing relationships and let downs I saw my Mom experience. She never had a guy that made her happy, in fact they almost always did the exact opposite.
As for me my first relationship with "you know who" was a disaster. To this day I can't believe we dated. He was a total petifile who shouldn't have been trying to get his hands on a girl my age. He also took me away from things that I shouldn't have lost. He was very selfish, and I wish he had gotten out of my life sooner. So that of course was a bust. I don't really count the month long "relationship" that I had with...ewww is all I have to say, or the summer after graduation with...even more ewwww.
I don't know what to look for in a guy and I feel like they come with too much drama/baggage. While I can't lie, I have loved with him for the past four and a half years, I don't know what that means. I've always loved him (and always will), but I'm afraid to let myself be in love with him. I mean you have to consider rejection and also the fact that if he did give me a chance he could totally let me down. Now, i couldn't imagine that happening because he's such an amazing friend...but I don't know. He's almost perfect. He's everything that I could imagine the perfect guy being. He's easy to talk to, funny, smart, artistic...not to mention extremely good looking-lol.
He makes me not want to give anyone else a chance. Just knowing that he's out there makes me not care about anyone else in that way. Ugh, why does this have to be so hard?

the overlooked

It sucks when you're in those situations of being the overlooked or the forgotten
I'm fighting to have a good friend
someone I can relate to
someone I can have fun with
someone who will appreciate me for the genuine person that I am
I thought I had found that in her, and I thought we were really good friends, but everyday she makes me see even more that we aren't so much.
We were one in the same, sisters in much more than one way...but not so much

i sat far away from everyone
behing a fog
she looked over and mouthed something to me
and turned away
she left me in my corner
behind my fog
i got stepped over
pushed around
and overlooked
its funny because at one time it wouldn't have been that way
we would have sat together or laughed
shared a joke or two
it sucks when you have to work for friends

I'm trying really hard
but i'm not sure of what she want
i got left behind the fog in the middle of a conversation
it seems evey day it gets thicker and thicker

maybe if i went out more
maybe if i drank more
maybe if i smoked
even if i cared more about boys
i wouldn't be behing the fog
but those things dont interest me

i'm not sure of what to do
or say
or how to live

making things happen

So I've been extremely focused on making things happen for myself lately. Everyday I'm realizing more and more that its up to me and me only to make things happen in my life. No one else can be responsible for my dreams, and no one else can make anything happen for me. This is a competitive and political world, and I need to surround myself with the right kind of people. I've been completely focused in all of my classes, I got a dance scholarship, I've been auditioning really well and getting casted in so many pieces, and I'm going to continue to do all of those things. I know who I am and what I'm here for, and for that I am blessed. I'm going to continue to stay close to God, and work hard in class, work hard on my choreography, perform well, and just feel good about fulfilling my dreams.

life

Needless to say I'm back on track and ready to conquer the world-lol. Its been a long past couple of days, but I know what's important,I'm doing my best to live life accordingly!

Concentration

So I've decided that from now on rather I'm in ballet or modern or jazz I have to have the best concentration possible no matter what, and always try to enhance my technique. I've also decided that I'm always going in the first group for things. My biggest thing I need to work on is picking up combinations quickly. I'm a natural at performing/presentation, I just need to work on the technique and details of things. At any rate, this starts tomorrow in Modern. I'm going to have the best concentration/focus, I am always going to be enhancing my technique and making it better as I'm working, and I'm also always going to go in the first group for things and force myself to always know the combinations. I am amazing at ballet, modern and jazz and I need to start acting like I know who I am instead of shying away from myself. I'm the best dancer they've got on their hands and I need to be proud of that. This is my first year dancing in a practicuum, Orchesis, I'm dancing in Christen Legg's piece for Winter Concert, and I'm of course going to be in at least 3 GP's. I need to remember who I am and know that "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are more powerful beyound measure"-Nelson Mandela Inaugural Speech.

my counselor

So, today my counselor completely blew me. This is only my third time meeting with her, so I'm not completely comfortable with opening up to her about things yet. While i know that I'm most comfortable talking to my friends, they are not counselors ad I need to pray about being comfortable with opening up to my counselor. She just made me extremely uncomfortable today when she said that she thought I was uncomfortable talking to her b/c of our "cultural differences". I obviously grew up around all different kinds of people and its just natural for me to not pay attention to those kinds of things. The cultural difference of a person is almost always the last thing I notice about someone, because its never been important to me. From the time I was born until now I've always had so many different friends and people in my life that are different from me and its just natural. It made me really upset that she thought that because I'm African American that I'd have a problem talking to her. It makes me wonder what other kinds of assumptions she made about me after knowing absolutely nothing about me. So now I'm even more uncomfortable talking to her, and that really stinks. But whatever, I'm going to pray about it and move on, and do my best to open up to her, because I know I need to be talking to someone.

Abundance

So today I realized just how abundant I am, and how blessed and I am to have my life that way. When I ever need money or any kind of material thing, it is there for me. God is always working in my life to provide both the things I need and want, and for that I am thankful. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful gifts I'm giving to my little, for my check I've made out to Alvin Ailey for next summer, for my formal dress balance being paid off and my new shoes. I'm so blessed, highly favored and abundant and above all I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I am able to share my wealth with others, and still have so much. Today is a great day just to feel good and refreshened.

today was a great day

So today was amazing and i couldn't be happier. Today is proof that putting all of yourself and trust into God's hands, and truly believing in yourself does make your perfect life. I had good prayer last night and woke up just claming the victory over my day, and its been amazing. I had such a great Modern mid-term, and amazing feed back from Rhonda (my teacher). I also happened to get that feed back in front of Shari (my ballet teacher). They both congratulated me on a good class and it made me feel really good about my dancing. On my way out, I also got a compliment on my dancing from one of my colleagues which also made me feel really good about myself. I'm falling in love with the Dance Department and it couldn't be a more perfect fit for me. I'm also really excited about finishing my piece and it going into Noon Dance Showing. I'm excited about the feed back I'm getting from Jane and Sharie and whatever other teachers I get feed back from. I'm finishing my first full piece this and next month and I couldn't be more excited. My technique and ability to pick things up quickly just get better and better everyday. I'm excited about Sylvia's piece and Orchesis and I'm excited about performing in the Tutor Piece and Graduate Presentations and WDP, and my BFA. I have everything that I'm wanted since I was two years old and I'm so happy!

Believe

So today I realized this semester I haven't put my heart fully behind the things I've wanted. This summer I knew what I wanted, had faith in the things God was going to do with my life, and felt good and excited about everything. God was making things happen for me and I had such a strong belief in all of the wonderful things that he has in store for me. Yet, as soon as I started school, I let people with negative attitudes effect my thinking. I let myself become intimidated and I almost gave up. I need to remember that I am a child of God, and that anything/everything that I want out of life I already have. God is much bigger than my sorrority, than the Dance Department, than any audition I'll ever go to, than money, than everything. I have to remember that I am receiving all of the amazing things in my life right now. As long as I continue to keep God first in my life and have unwaivering faith, the things I want will appear and become the things I have. I know who I am and what I'm here for and I'm succeeding in every area of my life.